AFTERMATH OF AFTERMATH
by Patcat
Summary: A sequel to my story AFTERMATH. Occurs just after Season 4's WANT. Written before Seasons 5 and 6.Disclaimer: All characters belong to Dick Wolf and the CI creative staff. I thank them for letting me steal them and take them for a ride.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Standard

Alex Eames had many questions and concerns when she was paired with Bobby Goren. There were his reputations for strange and unorthodox interview techniques and his tendency to smell, touch, and taste evidence. There were rumors about his family and his mental stability. And there was the talk about his romantic conquests.

The latter rumors were the ones that most concerned Alex. She cared more about results than techniques and reserved judgment about people until she met them. But she had dealt with too many cops who regarded female officers as fair game, too many remarks about her being too pretty to be a cop, too many doubters about her abilities, to want a partner who thought he was some Romeo. Alex felt considerable relief when the first months of her partnership with Goren revealed that his actions brought results, that there was method in his madness, that his strange behavior concealed a gentle if troubled soul, and that he treated her not as a female partner, but simply as a partner. She found not only the professional partnership but the growing friendship rewarding.

Alex hadn't expected the friendship. Her previous partnerships had been on the professional level, partly because she wished them to remain on that level, partly because it was necessary for a female cop. And, if she would have a deep friendship with a cop, Bobby Goren would have been the last one she would have had it with. But at some point the cups of coffee turned into breakfasts and lunches, and those into quiet dinners involving cuisines from countries Alex had previously known only from geography quizzes. She began to quietly question some things she had regarded as written in stone, and found the experience disquieting and exhilarating. Her partnership with Bobby Goren made her not only a better cop, but a better person.

Bobby Goren, on the other hand, had few questions or concerns when he was partnered with Alex Eames beyond how long, or rather how short, it would last. He knew she had a reputation for being tough and by the book; that she came from a family of cops and was the widow of one; and that she worked very, very hard. He also learned that there were people in the NYPD who liked her very much and would ferociously defend her. And Bobby expected that, just like his other partners, Alex Eames would be gone in a few months.

He hadn't expected her tolerance, her patience, her capacity to learn, and her sense of humor. In the first months of their partnership he regularly shocked her by his behavior. Unlike his previous partners, Alex didn't pull away. She asked why he did things, where he got his information. And she challenged him to support his theories, not in a hostile way, but in a manner that suggested she wanted to support him. As a member of the blue tribe, Alex understood cops and their world in ways Bobby could only observe. She realized that his ideas and conclusions weren't pulled out of the ether, but the results of hard work.

If the success of the partnership surprised him, Bobby had to confess that the friendship astonished him. He was ashamed that part of that surprise was an assumption that the daughter of a cop would have a narrow view of the world. It was a humbling experience for Bobby Goren to realize he was an intellectual snob. Alex Eames possessed a bright, inquisitive and adventurous mind, one that he found endlessly fascinating as they parried and thrust over coffee, breakfast, lunch and dinner. She provided a stability he'd never experienced and a bridge to other people. His partnership with Alex Eames made Bobby not only a better person, but a better cop.

And then she left.

She left for the best of reasons, and only for a few months. But Bobby felt betrayed, and then guilty because he felt betrayed, and then angry because he felt guilty. He still saw her during her pregnancy, and he shared her joy. One day, soon after she had been relegated to desk duty, Alex touched him on the arm as he passed. "C'mere," she said urgently, and led him to an empty interrogation room. She grabbed his hand, a move that shocked him since they rarely if ever touched outside of their undercover performances, and placed it on her expanding stomach. Bobby felt the ripples of a new life dance beneath his touch.

"Wow," he said reverently and then, full of concern, "Does it hurt? Are you all right?"

Alex laughed. "Better than all right," she answered.

But those moments became fewer as Alex slipped away from him into a world dominated by her family, a sort of world Bobby had only observed. When he stopped by her apartment, one or more of her siblings or her parents always seemed to be in attendance and the talk was of names and clothes and nurseries and the Eames family. Bobby certainly didn't begrudge Alex her happiness, but he felt as if he were in a world where he knew the language but couldn't quite place the accents.

And he had nightmares. Bobby had always had nightmares, but these were a new and vicious variety of nightmares of Alex bleeding away during the baby's delivery, of her calling to him for help. Drenched in sweat and screaming Alex's name, Bobby awoke from the dreams reaching for her. Afraid and confused, Bobby turned to the one place where he had always felt safe and disappeared into work.

Caught up in the last weeks of her pregnancy, Alex registered Bobby's withdrawal only on the farthest rims of her radar. There was simply too much going on. Her sister and brother-in-law did their best to conceal their anxiety, but they desperately wanted this child, and their hopes had been dashed before. Alex knew that this was one child that was definitely wanted and would be loved. There were remote but potentially serious medical concerns. Alex was not, as her doctors appeared too fond of reminding her, a young or large woman. And Alex found she was happily falling into her family's excitement. She had never really left her large and boisterous family's cocoon, but her work had taken her away from it. Alex loved her job and wanted to return to it as soon as she could, but she also relished being told what a wonderful person she was and the constant pampering from her family.

Alex was prepared to be depressed when the baby finally made his appearance. She had talked to the counselors, read the research (some of it subtly supplied by Bobby), and set her nerves before she entered the hospital. What she wasn't prepared for was the sheer joy she experienced when the squealing, red-faced infant was placed in his parents' arms. In between tears and laughs of joy, her sister kept saying, "Thank you, Lex…Thank you…"

Alex wearily smiled at her. "Keep it up, sis…it ALMOST makes up for the pain."

She was dozing, her family finally out of her room, when he arrived. Alex became aware of a large presence just inside the door.

"Hey," she said sleepily.

Bobby approached shyly. "I'm sorry," he said softly. "I didn't mean to wake you…I just wanted to see you…"

"Have you seen him?" Alex asked excitedly.

"Him?...Who…?" Bobby was confused.

"The baby, Goren…you know? That thing I've been carrying for nine months? Are you sure you're a First Grade Detective?"

"Uh, no, sorry…I wanted to see you…and…" Bobby stepped closer to the bed. He was carrying his leather binder like a shield. He looked tired and drawn, and Alex realized that she hadn't seen him in nearly two weeks and that their phone conversations had been brief disconnected affairs.

"You should see him…he's beautiful," Alex declared.

Bobby smiled at her. "I'm sure he is if you had anything to do with it." He gestured at a chair, and Alex nodded. He sat down and leaned towards her.

"You're ok?" he asked.

"Yeah," Alex answered. "I'm sore and tired and probably high from the meds, but I feel really good. I keep waiting for the bad stuff to hit me, but nothing yet."

"Good," Bobby said.

"I just feel like I've done this terrific thing…and everyone is treating me like I'm some kind of queen." Alex sobered a little. "I guess I might get depressed later, but right now I feel really good." She studied Bobby carefully. "I might feel better than you…"

Bobby leaned back in the chair and then again towards Alex before he answered. "I miss you," he finally and simply said. "This case…I just finished…it involved partners…and it just reminded me that I missed you."

"You should've called…" Alex began and then remembered. "You did call…the other night…."

Bobby laid his hand on hers. "Don't worry…you had much more important things…just talking to you helped." He felt awful that he was worrying her.

Alex suddenly laughed. "Great…now you're feeling bad 'cause you made me feel bad…Did you put poor Bishop through these sort of moral quandaries?"

Bobby raised a hand to his mouth. "Oh, Alex…I put that poor girl through hell…"

"Yea, well she can handle it…We had a talk about you," Alex said lightly.

"A…talk?" Bobby shuddered. "I can imagine what that was like."

"She's actually pretty tough and smart…not at all bad after a few rum and cokes." Alex settled against her pillow. "She went from dreading you to being one of your ardent groupies."

Bobby winced.

"She owes me a few margaritas from that session." Alex smiled at Bobby, and he realized how much he missed that smile. "I bet," she said, "you've got her doing paperwork."

"She volunteered…when I got the call…"

"Right…probably just as you raced away." Alex's smile turned to a grin, and Bobby felt its warmth flow through him.

They sat for a few moments in a comfortable silence. Alex yawned contentedly.

"I should go," Bobby said. "Let you get some rest. When are they letting you out of here?"

"Tomorrow," Alex said. "Barring any complications…which I absolutely forbid."

Bobby smiled at her, and Alex realized how much she had missed him. "Do you need anyone to take you home? Take care of stuff at your apartment?"

"I appreciate the offers, Bobby, but my family has everything under control, or at least think they do." Alex laughed. "My sister told me that my brother-in-law had the car halfway down the block before he realized she wasn't in it when I called them to say the baby was coming."

Alex saw a shadow cross Bobby's face. "But," she added. "I bet I'll want some company tomorrow night. Why don't you come and bring me some food."

Bobby brightened. "You're sure…should I call?"

"Nah," Alex said. "I think we're at a point where I can tell you to scram if I want."

There was a soft knock at Alex's door. As Bobby stood up, a woman bearing a small wrapped bundle entered.

"Hey Lex…oh, hi…Bobby, isn't it?"

Bobby nodded. "I…should be…."

"Bobby, you gotta see him," Alex said. She smiled and nodded at her sister.

"Would you like to hold him?" Alex's sister asked Bobby.

Bobby looked from one woman to the other with a slight sense of panic. He had nothing against babies, but he wasn't entirely comfortable with them either. To Bobby, they all looked like Winston Churchill, and he was never quite sure how to tell the beaming parents that the smile they thought had just appeared on their child's face was undoubtedly gas. But this was the baby Alex carried for nine months.

"Uh, sure," Bobby said, awkwardly placing his binder on the bedside table. He took the small package gingerly.

"He won't break," Alex's sister said gently.

The baby was tiny in Bobby's huge hands. He sat down carefully next to Alex's bed, and tentatively folded back the blanket. He revealed a slightly puckered and reddened face, whose stunning blue eyes briefly regarded Bobby, then fluttered shut. Bobby was shaken to his core.

"My God, Alex," he said reverently. "He is beautiful."

Alex and her sister both laughed.

"Glad you approve, detective," Alex's sister said. "Listen, I'll give you some time…Probably good to get him away from the horde for a bit. I'll be back soon." She paused at the door. "Have I told you thank you recently, Lex?"

Alex smiled. "Not for the last half hour or so."

Bobby scarcely noticed the mother's departure. He was concentrating on the small being in his hands. He tenderly ran a finger over the tiny chest and examined the small toes and fingers. He lifted the powder blue hat and gently touched the pale, fine hair.

Alex watched with growing amusement. "I swear," she thought, "if he smells him…"

As if he were responding to her thoughts, Bobby sniffed at the baby's head. Alex fell into her pillow to stifle her laugh.

"Alex? Are you ok?" There was an edge of fear in Bobby's voice.

"I'm…fine…just…" Alex wiped away tears of laughter. "It's just…you were being so…you. Hey…don't let him get cold…"

Bobby gave her a rueful smile, carefully wrapped the blanket around the baby, and handed him to Alex. Bobby rested his head in his hands and studied the two of them.

"It's amazing," he said softly after a few moments.

Alex looked up at him. She had seen Bobby's quieter and gentler sides, but it seemed he was now letting her into a place few had entered.

"In that small, tiny body and brain," Bobby seemed to be talking to himself as much as to Alex. "There's everything…everything good and bad about people…the potential for greatness and tragedy…the past, the future…all in that little…"

He stopped and placed a large hand on the baby's head. He brushed Alex's hand as he did, and warmth flowed in and around them. They sat quietly as the room filled with the soft shadows of the evening.

End Chapter 1


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter TWO

Disclaimer: Standard

Alex lay wrapped in a blanket on her couch. She felt empty, exhausted. She was hungry, but too tired to even reach for the phone. Her body ached, but it was too painful to even contemplate going into the bathroom to get her pills. The euphoria of the past forty eight hours had given way to nothing.

Alex groaned and tried to curl into an even smaller ball. She had told her sister and brother-in-law that she would be fine, that she welcomed the quiet and time alone. She had meant it at the time, but it seemed only minutes after telling them goodbye and kissing her nephew that she collapsed on her couch. Alex fell into a numbing despair she had never felt before, not even in the horrible days after her husband's murder.

A soft, tentative knock at the door broke into her numbed thoughts. "Bobby," Alex thought and burrowed deeper under her blanket. She heard another series of knocks, louder and more persistent, and then the click of a key in the lock. "That's right," she thought, "I gave him an extra key." She heard the door close, and the smell of something wonderful reached her.

"Alex?" Bobby's voice was quiet and guarded.

Alex heard Bobby move into the kitchen, and then enter the living room. He knelt beside the couch.

"Hey," he said gently and brushed her hair with his hand.

"I could tell him to go away," Alex thought. "Oh, hell…"

She turned, wrapped her arms around him, and began to sob. Surprised, Bobby stiffened and then locked her in his arms. He rocked her back and forth as she wailed into his chest. Alex was dimly aware of Bobby murmuring to her and rubbing her back. He was solid and big and strong, and Alex felt as if she could pour all of her pain on him. After several minutes, the sobs fell into weeping, and then into hiccups.

"I'm…hic…sorry," Alex said wiping at her eyes.

"It's ok." Bobby held onto her.

Alex reluctantly untangled herself from Bobby. "It's…hic…embarrassing," she said. "And probably…hic…against regulations."

"It's… understandable. And I don't have a history of abiding by regulations." Bobby smiled at her. "I'll get you some water. You need anything…your medication?"

Alex nodded. "It's…hic…on the bathroom counter."

Bobby slipped away and returned in a few moments carrying a box of tissues, a glass of water, and her pain pills.

"It says you shouldn't take these on an empty stomach…I brought some soup," Bobby said. "Give me a moment."

Alex sat up slowly and grabbed some tissues. She wiped her eyes and took a long drink of the cool water. Bobby returned from the kitchen with a steaming bowl. He used a dishtowel as a mitt to protect his hands. Alex tried to stifle a giggle as he placed the bowl on the coffee table in front of her couch. He gave her a warning look.

"You didn't have anything else," he said.

"I know…I'm sorry." Alex took the spoon he offered her. "You're lucky you found the towel…a domestic goddess I'm not." She sniffed and took a spoonful of the soup. "Homemade?" she asked. Alex knew Bobby knew a few good recipes.

"Not by me…but from the Chinese restaurant on the corner." Bobby looked into the distance. "I haven't been cooking much lately…just me…and not enough time."

Alex felt the soup warm her. It was wonderful and she was horribly hungry. She finished the bowl in an embarrassingly quick time. Without a word, Bobby picked it up, returned to the kitchen, and brought Alex a full bowl.

"Are you having any?" she asked, her spoon poised for attack.

"No, I'm ok…Watching you inhale it is fun enough." Bobby smiled at her. "You can probably take your pills now."

Alex nodded. Bobby unscrewed the bottle and handed her two pills. She took them and returned to the soup. Alex had nearly finished the second bowl when a warm feeling of satisfaction and relief washed over her.

"Thank you, Bobby," she said handing the bowl to him. "I feel much better."

"Your hiccups have stopped too." He smiled at her. "Hey," he said as he took the bowl into the kitchen, "I've got fortune cookies."

Alex settled back drowsily into the couch. Bobby returned with two cookies. "Pick," he said extending his hands. Alex tapped his right hand and Bobby gave her the cookie.

"You go first," Alex said.

Bobby opened his cookie, popped its pieces in his mouth, and unfolded the white slip. "Fate," he read, "is made by man." He stared at Alex. "What the heck is that supposed to mean?" he asked.

Alex laughed. "Mine says," she read, "you will meet many changes." She looked at Bobby. "I'd say this cookie is a little late. I think I've already met them."

Bobby usually grabbed the pieces of Alex's fortune cookie. He loved their taste; she couldn't stand them, but it was a longstanding joke with them. This time he was suddenly lost in thought.

"Goren, hey, alert. Fortune cookie pieces." Alex waved one of the parts.

Bobby looked at the table. He seemed very young, almost like a boy. "Alex?" he asked softly. He was shifting the small cookie pieces on the table with his fingers.

"Yeah?" Alex answered softly. The pain medication, the warm soup, and her own exhaustion combined to lull her towards sleep.

"It's selfish of me…I know…but…" He looked up at her, his dark brown eyes pleading. "You…you are coming back?"

She smiled at him. "You're right…you are selfish." Alex saw his eyes widened and spoke quickly to reassure him. "Of course I'm coming back, Bobby." She yawned.

"Thank you," Bobby said. He smiled and reached for her fortune cookie. He dusted the few crumbs into his hand, and took them to toss in the trash. When Bobby returned, Alex was deep in a contented sleep. Bobby looked down at her, and walked into her bedroom. He pulled back her blankets and sheets, and returned to the living room. Cautiously, carefully, he lifted Alex's sleeping form and carried her to her bed. He gently placed her in it and covered her. Looking at her, Bobby was filled with need and desire. Before he could stop himself, he had leaned forward and brushed his lips against Alex's hair. She murmured and turned, and Bobby jumped back as if he had been shocked.

"Good Lord, Goren," he thought, "what the hell has gotten into you?"

He turned out the light and was about to leave the room when he heard Alex's voice.

"Bobby?"

"Yea, Alex?" He prayed that she hadn't been aware of his slip.

"Thank you for taking care of me."

Bobby breathed in relief. "It's ok…it's nothing."

"You're…good at it." She fell asleep again.

"Yea," Bobby said softly as he stared at her sleeping body. "I've had a lot of practice at taking care of people."

Alex didn't see as much of Bobby as she would have liked over the next two weeks. Every member of her family appeared to take her out to breakfast, lunch, dinner, tea, a few drinks, and anything else they could think of. She saw her nephew nearly every day and felt a few pangs every time she said goodbye, but nothing that couldn't be salvaged by her sister and brother-in-law's happiness. Her mother made a few subtle suggestions that perhaps now would be a good time for Alex to consider a slightly less dangerous profession, and Alex was able to make a few subtle responses that she was looking forward to returning to work. But at night, just before she drifted into the deepest sleep she had experienced since childhood, Alex was disturbed by a dream of Bobby leaning over her, of his hands gently touching her, and his lips softly brushing hers. Alex had occasionally and clinically considered Bobby as a male specimen, but nothing as personal as this half dream. "Must be all those hormones," Alex thought.

Bobby, for his part, was caught in a sea of work. He always hated unfinished cases, but he was also determined to have a clean slate waiting for Alex. He also found that he wanted to give Bishop the satisfaction and record of having a perfect solve rate to carry to her next assignment. And diving further into work kept him from dealing with the memory of the softness of Alex's hair and the warmth of her scent. "It's because she's been gone," Bobby thought. "I'm just more aware of these things."

Alex was eager to return to work; Bobby more eager to have her back. Anyone looking at the pair in the first days of Alex's return would have seen partners slipping back into rhythm, but Alex and Bobby felt oddly unconnected, their steps out of sync. Alex found Bobby's eccentricities annoying; Bobby felt constrained by Alex's insistence on going by the book. Instead of a comfortable closeness, there was confusion and irritation. Alex found that cases were harder to emotionally discard. Deakins tried to warn Alex that the first days of her return might be difficult, and he made a point of walking by her desk and letting her know his door was open to her. Alex was sorely tempted at several points to run to her captain and scream her frustrations. She kept glancing across her desk to find Bobby looking at her as if he needed something only she could give. The sense of the loss of something was compounded by its contrast to the closeness each partner had felt during those brief moments in the hospital and at Alex's apartment.

The situation wasn't helped by Alex's near constant state of exhaustion. She had never felt so tired for so long. When she first returned Bobby excitedly extended a series of invitations for lunches and dinners—would she like to try the new Thai place? Peruvian?—but Alex simply wanted to go home or nibble on fruit at her desk. After a few days, Alex realized Bobby's invitations and their non-work contact had ceased, and he seemed to be disappearing into a shell before her eyes. She felt a pang of guilt—it wasn't his fault she was exhausted. That evening, as Alex left, she touched Bobby on the shoulder. Surprised, he looked at her.

"I owe you an explanation," she said.

"What for?" He was confused and guarded.

Alex smiled at him. "Dinner, lunch…I'd like to go…" He seemed to peer out of a shell as she spoke. "But I'm just too tired, Bobby…it's not you…"

Bobby looked up at her. "I should have realized…I'm sorry, Alex…"

She squeezed his shoulder, and Bobby felt the touch's warmth flow through his body. "It's ok…just give me a little more time, ok?"

At that moment Bobby would have happily handed her his right arm. "Ok," he said.

Things did get better, although it seemed to Alex that she and Bobby were often back at the start of their relationship. During their investigation of a bank robber who used human bombs, Bobby seemed hurt when Alex was spooked by his grabbing a potential devise, but reacted calmly when she asked him to explain his reasoning regarding the bomber's partner. And when she was forced to draw her gun on the bomber, Bobby was at Alex's side immediately. He even managed to convince her to join in the plot to catch the bomber. They managed to have a cup of coffee together after the case, and their shared laughter at Carver's reaction made Alex finally feel that she was truly back where she belonged. But a strain remained, a strain made worse by Alex's continuing nagging feeling that Bobby wanted something from her, something beyond their professional partnership.

End Chapter 2


	3. Chapter 3

Spoilers for Season 4

Chapter Three

Bobby stared intently at the evidence photos in front of him. "I'm missing something," he thought. "Yea," a corner of his brain buzzed, "you're missing sleep, you idiot. And you're missing female companionship…and you're particularly missing what it was like before…"

Bobby shook his head. "I will NOT go there," he thought, but then he sighed and leaned back in his chair. "Ok," he thought. "I miss it…I miss what it was like before…before Alex left…"

He closed his eyes, slumped, and rested his head against the back of the chair.

"It's my fault," he thought. "I was too excited…expected too much. She's just had a baby…a baby she couldn't keep…Ignore the physical cost…she must be exhausted…the emotional cost…I can't imagine it…and I expect her to come back and deal with the scum…and me…She comes back and I'm dancing around like some goofy jerk and picking up potential bombs and expecting her to think it's wonderful…and I get her messed up in my silly tricks…now Carver won't trust her and he already doesn't trust me any further than he can throw me…I wonder if Carver could throw me?...Probably wouldn't come near me to find out…"

Bobby leaned forward and rubbed his eyes with his fists. Bright red patterns appeared against black in his vision. "It was so good before she left," he thought. "Everything clicked…the best thing I've ever had…but I'm not her responsibility…I'm an adult…I'm her professional partner…I'm not her life…"

A horrible thought struck Bobby. His eyes flew open, he curled in his chair, and one large fist thrust against his mouth. "Oh, God," he thought. "Am I keeping her from a life? Have I got her caught up in my obsession with work? Keeping her away from…from what she really wants?"

"Bobby, what are you still doing here?"

Bobby jumped at the sound of Captain Deakins' voice. He turned awkwardly and shyly to see him.

"Go home, Bobby," Deakins said, not unkindly. "I had to stay late, but you could go home…Those photos aren't going to tell you anything more than you already know. Wait for tomorrow and the new evidence."

"I think," Bobby mumbled. "I must be missing…"

"You're not…but if you don't get any sleep you will. This is a direct order…GO HOME." Deakins pulled rank only when it was necessary.

"Yes, sir." Bobby began to gather the photos into their file.

Deakins turned to go and hesitated.

"Bobby," he said tentatively. "How are things between you and Alex?"

Bobby started. "What do I tell him?" he thought. "That I'm a selfish bastard who needs his partner so badly that I'm sucking the life out of her?"

Bobby settled for the near truth.

"It's…a little…off balance." Bobby studied the file in his hand. "Is it noticeable?"

"No, your work is great, as it's always been." Deakins' tone was calm and warm. He appreciated the small confession Bobby had made. "It's just…we're all in uncharted territory here…I don't know how I'd react…none of my partners ever became pregnant…hell, none of my officers ever did…"

"Or were likely to," Bobby mused.

Deakins grinned. "True, true…and the nature of this particular pregnancy…and the nature of your partnership…"

Bobby's defenses rose to full alert. "Nature of our partnership? Is someone saying something about Eames?"

"Nothing like that, Bobby." Deakins found Bobby's immediate defense of Alex true to his character. "I've seen a lot of partnerships…and the two of you have a special one…it works on all sorts of levels…and I know it takes a lot of work on both of your parts."

"She does most of it," Bobby said quietly. "She doesn't get enough credit."

"I know what you both do," Deakins responded. "Look, this is difficult…just give it time. And if you need to talk…Alex knows my door is open…it goes for you too."

"Thank you." Bobby stared again at the file. "But I'm not real good…at asking for help…"

"Not a lot of cops are…and I'm not pushing…but I'm here, ok?" Deakins briefly rested his hand on Bobby's shoulder.

"Understood," Bobby replied.

"Now, go home…get some sleep. " Deakins strode out of the office.

Bobby slipped on his coat and gathered his binder. "Yea," he thought as he walked down the stairs. "Like I'm going to get any sleep…Like I want any with the dreams I'm having."

He stood indecisively in front of One Police Plaza. Working out might have exhausted him into a state where he could sleep without dreams, but his gym would close in less than an hour. He could get some dinner, but the prospect of food set his stomach into mild gymnastics. Bobby began walking vaguely in the direction of his apartment; it would at least give him some exercise. He slowed slightly as he passed several bars. Some were police hangouts. Maybe a drink? Perhaps a little flirting, something more, with someone equally restless or lonely? Even at this late hour on a weeknight there were police groupies. Bobby had never gone home alone unless he wanted to. Even with the grey tinges to his hair and the frequent dark circles under his eyes, he could still bat his long eyelashes, whisper a few well-chosen words, and raise his brown eyes to entice remarkably young and attractive women. And he could always seal the deal by dropping a few hints about the difficulty of his work, even a few remarks about a tough childhood. It was extremely effective, to the point that the subject of his interest nearly always took him to her home. Bobby lived up to his part of the unspoken bargain. He was always honest about his intentions, always gentle and passionate, and quick to bring breakfast or coffee in the morning.

Bobby enjoyed the dance of attraction, welcomed the oblivion sex briefly gave him, but nothing ever came of these brief encounters. Sometimes the women sought equally quick physical releases with little consequence. Sometimes they stayed because the sex was so good. Bobby still winced at the memory of one woman who broke up with him the morning of her wedding as he lay in her bed. He had been involved with another woman for a few weeks when he realized their time together consisted almost entirely of wild encounters in her apartment. He soon discovered that she was embarrassed to be involved with a lowly policeman—even one that was a First Grade Detective and member of the Major Case Squad—and a strange acting one at that. Sometimes they saw Bobby as a project, a damaged man they could restore and save, but members of this group fled, often full of guilt, as soon as they realized the extent of the damage. And Bobby realized that he had quietly but mercilessly rebuffed the one or two women who had gained some sense of his pain and still knocked against his fortress walls.

Bobby ignored the siren calls from the bars and continued walking home. A brief encounter didn't appeal to him this night, and hadn't, he discovered, for some time. Part of his aversion resulted from exhaustion and his immersion in his work; another part, he realized, was from something else…from …Bobby paused in front of his apartment building. He raised a gloved hand to his face. The night was cold and grey, the wind blowing away any hint of autumn. Bobby rocked slightly back and forth. "I want," he thought, "what it's too late for me to have. What I can't have." He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "It's too late…I have to deal with what I have…and what I've done."

He entered the building, grabbed his mail, and, hoping to further exhaust himself, climbed the stairs. Bobby wearily staggered into his apartment, dropped his mail, and checked for messages. He undressed, fell into bed, and desperately hoped that Alex Eames would stay out of his dreams.

Alex Eames refused to stay out of Bobby Goren's dreams, just as Bobby Goren refused to stay out of Alex Eames' dreams. More times than either partner cared to count they woke up clinging to a pillow they imagined to be the other. Outwardly the partnership seemed stronger than ever, their solve rate as high, their abilities to read each other's minds and to anticipate each other's moves as uncanny as ever. Even Deakins—who was, after all, no slouch as a detective—failed to notice their slightly increased formality with each other, their concentrated efforts to avoid touching one another. If these feelings had emerged earlier in their professional partnership, before the relationship meant so much to both, they might have quietly said goodbye and went on to others. But each had too much invested in the relationship, personal and professional, to acknowledge these new emotions, and Alex and Bobby were each too concerned with trying to hide their own feelings to notice that they each were trying to hide the same emotions. It was a perilous balancing act, but they managed to stay on the high wire.

And then a series of storms left them both hanging on the wire by their fingertips. For Alex, it seemed every other case involved babies and small children and wounded and malevolent parents. There was the older woman with the calcified baby in her womb and the mortally depressed mother driven to kill her sons. Bobby could only watch and ache for her. And Alex could only watch and ache and seethe as Bobby fed and seemed to fall into a murdering woman's obsession.

The Tagman case drew the high wire taunt and nearly snapped it. Alex was, as many cops were, ambivalent about the death penalty. Experience had taught her that cops were susceptible to corruption and to mistakes, but it had also taught her that the world had very bad people in it, and Alex felt the world would be a better place without those very bad people in it. It wasn't her job, however, to decide who those very bad people were. Both Bobby and Carver infuriated Alex with their actions regarding Tagman—Carver for suddenly wielding the death penalty like a sword; Bobby for diving into Tagman's head and then surfacing into his own cocoon. As she considered the case, Alex felt more and more that her anger at Bobby was the result of his failure to confide in her than his argument that Tagman didn't deserve the death penalty.

As time passed, Alex and Bobby both discovered the Tagman case had been a crisis, a crisis they and their partnership survived. Bobby broke his walls down enough to explain his actions to Alex, and Alex recognized the effort the action took. The lines connecting them might have been stretched and pulled, but they had held. When Nicole Wallace reentered their lives, both Alex and Bobby were prepared to meet her. Alex met Nicole's attempts to wound her with cool contempt; the detective felt disdain and anger at the woman, emotions that deepened into a quiet rage when Bobby discovered how evil Nicole truly was. For his part, Bobby found that Nicole had lost her ability to really hurt him. She could still irritate an old wound, give him a slight emotional bruise—her references to children and his mother tagged him slightly---but she no longer had the ability to dissect him and pour salt in the open wounds. The case's conclusion left him not as much depressed as unsatisfied—Bobby would have liked to have saved Ella from Nicole's manipulations; he would have liked some tangible evidence of Nicole's death—and certainly not in the bleeding emotional states his previous encounters with Nicole had led to.

Alex observed Bobby carefully throughout their encounter with Nicole, and she felt a surprising amount of pride that Bobby dealt with his nemesis with relative calm. "He's grown up some," she thought. When Bobby reflected on his latest—and he hoped last—confrontation with Nicole, he realized he had never questioned Alex's support. She was there again, quietly, calmly backing him up. But some tension remained—the tension coming from the dreams Alex had of Bobby's large hands and lips, the ones Bobby had of Alex's body and soft hair. Then came those moments in the parking lot where Alex, breaking their unwritten rules, held Bobby's face in her hands, where Alex and Bobby breathed together, and where they seemed the only two people in the world. Those few moments gave Alex an inkling of what Bobby seemed to want from and to give to her, but both of them feared the revelation. The wire between them became tighter.

A tough case stretched the wire further. It involved the kidnapping of a baby, and Bobby and Alex's dogged investigation determined that the chief suspect was an aunt of the child. It was a case where time and sheer determination were of greater importance than investigative skill. Alex managed to snatch a few moments of sleep, some of them stolen at the office, but she always found Bobby deep in the study of something or following some clue when she returned to her desk. The case ended with the baby safely back in her parents' arms, but only after a brutal interrogation in which Bobby forced the aunt to confront her terrible past and the depths of her delusions.

Giving a quick report to Carver and Deakins, they sat in their captain's office. Alex was exhausted and emotionally spent. Bobby's body radiated even more exhaustion and pain. He had delivered his contributions to the report in a flat, stumbling voice that hurt Alex to hear. Carver thanked them for their work and left. Deakins turned to them.

"Both of you get home…Get some rest. Good job," he said.

Alex stood to go. She was at Deakins' door before she realized Bobby wasn't behind her. She turned. "Bobby?"

He still sat in his chair, his arms trying to push up on its arms. He looked at Alex and then at Deakins and back at Alex.

"I…" Bobby was baffled and lost.

"Bobby? What's wrong?" Deakins came from behind his desk to stand in front of Bobby. Alex moved to Bobby's side.

"I can't…" Bobby's eyes moved to and from their faces. "I…can't…seem to…get up."

Alex knelt beside him and took one arm between her hands. Bobby's eyes focused on her. He didn't seem afraid, but instead puzzled.

"Are you in any pain?" Deakins' voice was calm and matter of fact, but Alex sensed his concern.

Bobby shook his head. "I just…can't seem to get my body to do…what I want."

Alex suddenly thought she knew what was wrong. "Bobby," she said gently. "When's the last time you had something to eat? Or gotten any sleep?"

He blinked and stared at her. "I…can't…"

"I think we've got our answer," Deakins said with a combination of exasperation and care. "Stay with him, Alex." He left his office.

"I don't want to be any trouble," Bobby called after him. He slumped in the chair.

"Bobby," Alex said in a gentle and strict tone, "you should take care of yourself."

He tried to give her a smile, but the result was far from reassuring.

Deakins, bearing a cup of coffee and a donut, returned. "It's not exactly nutritious, but let's see if this can help."

"Ah," Alex said, "the classic cop solution."

Bobby warily eyed Deakins' offerings. "I don't like donuts…he's trying to poison me."

The coffee and donut were certainly not health food, but they managed to get Bobby on his feet. Both Alex and Deakins urged him to go to a hospital, but Bobby refused.

"They'll just tell me I need sleep and send me home," he said as he gathered his coat and binder. "I know I need sleep…might as well skip the middleman."

"Well, I'm going to see you get home," Alex said. Bobby didn't attempt to argue with her.

Deakins accompanied them to the front door. Alex was glad of his presence. Bobby stumbled and staggered the short distance from the elevator to the door, and she feared he might collapse. "You," he pointed to Bobby. "Let her get you home. Sleep. You," he pointed to Alex, "get some rest too."

Alex helped Bobby into a cab. "I need to stop at my place for a few things…then we'll go on to yours…make sure you get some food and rest."

Bobby didn't have the energy to argue, and found he really didn't want to. He wanted to stay near Alex.

They reached Alex's apartment, and Bobby sat heavily—fell really—on her couch. Before Alex sat down her purse, Bobby was lost in a sleep bordering on a coma. He scarcely moved as Alex gently slipped his shoes and socks off, slipped a pillow beneath his head, and covered him with a blanket. He didn't look entirely comfortable, but Alex reasoned sleep was the best thing for him. She paused for a moment before moving to her bedroom. Deeply asleep, his short curls tousled, and his long eyelashes fluttering over his eyes, Bobby Goren looked surprisingly young and vulnerable. Alex felt a deep ache for him, and her hand reached out almost involuntarily to rest on Bobby's head. He turned into her touch and uttered a nearly inaudible purr of contentment. Alex let her hand rest on his head, her fingers twirling in his hair, and reveled in the warmth of the touch.

She reluctantly stood and headed to the back of her apartment. As she undressed and moved into the shower, Alex was stunned that the simple and relatively brief touch resonated so deeply for her. She stood beneath the hot water for a long time, letting the hot water drive into her aching body. The water's sudden coolness broke into her thoughts. "Good Lord," Alex thought, "I'm falling asleep on my feet." She shut the water off just before it reached a truly uncomfortable temperature and reached for her towel.

Alex had slipped on an oversized T-shirt and her underwear and was about to slip under the covers when a strange, muffled cry caught her ear.

"Bobby," she thought, and, with a mixture of concern and consternation, padded into the living room.

End Chapter 4


	4. Chapter 4

As always, thanks for the kind reviews.

Chapter 4

Bobby's large frame was twitching on Alex's couch. Distressed sounds came from his mouth. Alex knelt beside the couch and cautiously placed a hand on Bobby's arm. Bobby jerked away.

"Please," he murmured. "No…I'll be good…Mom…don't…it hurts…"

"Bobby," Alex whispered.

"Mom…please…don't…" Bobby raised his hands to ward off unseen blows.

"Bobby," Alex spoke in a louder voice. "Wake up…It's a bad dream…"

"Not there…no…please…don't put me there…"

Alex grabbed Bobby's shoulders and spoke with more urgency. "Bobby…wake up…it's a dream…a bad dream…"

"No!" Bobby shouted. He swung his arms wildly as he jerked to a sitting position. Alex fell back on the floor as she tried to avoid his massive arms. Bobby blinked rapidly and starred at his surroundings. His eyes finally came to focus on Alex.

"Ale…Eames…where am I? What?"

Bobby stared at Alex. "Why is she in her…am I in her apartment?" He desperately tried to gather the strands of his thoughts. Bobby shook his head, trying to rid it of the images of the recent case, his dream. A sudden, horrifying thought struck him. "Alex," he thought. "I've hurt her."

Alex was back on her knees next to the couch. She reached out tentatively to touch Bobby's face, but he raised his own hand. Their fingers brushed, and a spark flashed between them. For a moment, Bobby froze, but Alex took one of his large hands in hers and drew it to her lips. Bobby shivered at her touch. Alex brought her free hand to touch Bobby's cheek. His stubble was soft and rough, and he turned his head into her touch.

"Alex," he whispered, his voice breathing want and love and need into her name. A dark shadow crossed his eyes, and he tried to pull away.

"Bobby," Alex said, grabbing his hands with both of hers, "it's all right. Don't panic…"

Bobby hesitated and lowered his eyes. "I…" He swallowed.

"It's all right." Alex gripped his hands tightly.

Bobby shook his head. "No…you don't know…what I'm thinking." He couldn't look in her eyes.

Alex took a deep breath. Her mind weighed the possibilities and consequences. This could destroy their professional partnership; it was against so many regulations; she had a responsibility to other women, to her family, to herself; it could destroy her career. And she knew Bobby had been hurt and was hurting in ways she couldn't imagine. "I might not be able to help him," she thought. "He could really hurt me, physically and emotionally, without even trying, without meaning to….But I love him…more than anyone I've ever loved…I love him."

Alex exhaled. "You're not the only one having those thoughts, Bobby."

Bobby raised his eyes. "Alex…don't…"

Alex released Bobby's hands and gently took hold of his face. "I'm not lying to you, Bobby, or trying to make you feel better…I…"

"No, Alex! No! No! No!" Bobby flung her hands away and leaped to his feet. Alex fell back against the floor with a thud. Bobby dropped to his knees beside her.

"Oh, God, Alex…" His large hands explored her, desperately searching for any injury.

Alex pulled Bobby's face to her. Softly, tenderly, she kissed him, and the spark flew into a wild, arcing current.

Alex was suddenly on her back on the floor with Bobby desperately, savagely kissing her. His tongue forced her mouth open, and his hands probed and stroked her body. Each touch caused a flame of desire and passion to erupt on Alex's skin. She couldn't breath, couldn't think. He overwhelmed her physically and emotionally. Alex was torn between her terrible want for and fear of Bobby. Her body arched towards his even as her hands pushed against his chest.

Gasping, he broke the kiss. He stared down at her. His eyes were dark, wild, lost. Alex searched for some sign of the Bobby Goren she knew in them, and a bolt of fear seared her as she couldn't find him. Her fear overwhelmed her desire. "He can do anything he wants," she thought. "I can fight him, but he's too big, too strong…He'll hurt me…" Bobby's hands had pulled her T-shirt up, and he began biting at her neck.

"Bobby…Bobby…Please…it's…please…" Alex gasped the words out.

Alex's words came to Bobby through the fog of his want and desire. "Stop," he thought, "she's afraid…you're hurting her…maybe she doesn't want you…she let you in her apartment…came to you wearing almost nothing…she's a tease…she deserves…she deserves better than this…you…"

Bobby reeled back, falling backwards. He banged his back against a table, yelped, and rolled away to rest against a chair. Shivering, he curled into a ball.

Stunned, Alex dragged her body into a sitting position. The bite on her neck throbbed and she felt a floor burn forming on her lower back. She smoothed her T-shirt down over her stomach and looked at Bobby.

His arms were wrapped around his head. She couldn't see his eyes. "Oh, no," Alex thought. "I've hurt him…he thinks he…attacked me…"

"Please," Bobby thought. "Let me die…Let the floor open up and swallow me…I've ruined everything…I've hurt her…the only one I've ever…What have I become?...Please, kill me now…she'll never want to see me again…"

He felt a soft touch on his shoulder.

Bobby tentatively peered over his arms. Alex knelt beside him.

"It's all right, Bobby," she said softly. "You didn't attack me…I wanted you…"

Bobby uncurled slightly.

"It's just that…it was too much." Alex sat next to Bobby and leaned back against the chair. "I was afraid…not of you…but of myself, I think…it all came so fast."

Bobby relaxed and his long legs stretched in front of him. He cautiously raised a hand to the bite on Alex's neck.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "It came too fast for me, too."

Alex took his hand in hers and held it against her neck. "It's just a love bite," she smiled. "It doesn't hurt much."

Bobby exhaled. "Alex, it's just…these feelings…I want you to know that if I'd felt anything like this when we first became partners…I'd have ended the partnership…I had too much respect for you…still do…I…"

Alex's smile grew wider. "I'm glad the feelings didn't start till later then." She leaned against Bobby's shoulder. "It's only been lately for me…since after the baby came…"

Bobby let his arm slip around her shoulder. "That's… it started for me just before…when you were gone…I had these horrible dreams…of losing you." He studied her. "That first night…when you were first home…when I came with the soup?"

Alex nodded.

"I…after I helped you to bed…I…I kissed you." Bobby stared down at the floor.

"Oh," Alex said, "it wasn't a dream then."

Bobby looked up to find Alex smiling at him.

"You're sure…I didn't hurt you just now?"

"No…It was just so confusing…" Alex curled her hand into Bobby's.

Bobby weaved his fingers in and out of Alex's. He studied her hand for a long time.

"Alex," he whispered softly, "I'm not real good…with love…"

"That's not what I hear," she said.

"That," he answered as he raised her hand and began tracing his fingers on it, "and those were not … not love…What I feel for you…I don't …my examples of relationships…they weren't good, Alex…but I think…" Bobby was struggling, both with finding the words and his feelings. "I think this is it…I think I love you."

Alex raised her free hand to his face.

"I've been lucky…I know about love…I've had it, and gotten it…What I feel for you, Bobby—it's love."

He looked at her. His eyes brimmed with tears.

"Is it…" he whispered, "really wonderful and really terrifying?"

Alex smiled. "Yea, that's it."

Bobby trembled. Alex slipped her arms around him and Bobby rested his head on her shoulder.

"I'm so scared," he murmured into her shoulder.

"You and me, buddy," Alex whispered in his ear.

They each had no idea how long they held each other. Alex became aware that both she and Bobby were drifting towards sleep. She gently untangled from Bobby's arms.

"C'mon," she said, standing up and extending a head to him. "Let's get more comfortable."

She led him to the bedroom. He hesitated at the door.

"Alex…I'm so tired and …" He rubbed the back of his neck with his hand. "I want you…more than anything…but…"

"It's ok…anything happens, fine. It doesn't, fine." She pulled the covers back. "Truth be told, I'm pretty wiped out too."

She walked back to him, took his hand, and led him to the bed. She unbuttoned his shirt, and helped him slip out of it. He slipped out of his pants, and she took them from him to put them on the chair over his shirt. He sat, in his undershirt and boxers, on the edge of the bed. She moved to the other side, slipped in, and gently eased him down on the bed.

"It's a big bed," he whispered as she drew the covers over him.

She smiled down at him and turned the light off. She brushed her lips against his, and he held her in his arms. He returned the kiss, and she rested her head on his chest. One hand found her head, and his fingers began softly weaving patterns in her hair. Their heartbeats and breaths moved in rhythm. Alex and Bobby slept.

End Chapter 4


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: Standard

Chapter 5

The warm sunshine on his face woke Bobby. He blinked. "These are not my sheets," he thought. "I do not have sheets with frogs on them…especially ones with some frogs with crowns…my sheets do not smell of lavender…and I don't own a stuffed bulldog dressed in a police uniform…"

Bobby shook his head and sat up. "Alex…I'm in Alex's…bed." He rubbed his palms into his eyes. "Oh, God," he thought. "What I did last night…I've ruined…but she didn't turn me out…she said she loved me…that she wanted me…this is wrong, so wrong…where is she?"

Bobby turned and saw a folded sheet of paper on a pillow. "Bobby---read me," it said. He lifted and unfolded it.

"Bobby," it said in Alex's precise handwriting, "I LOVE YOU. It's ALL RIGHT. DO NOT LEAVE. We're good. I went to get us some breakfast. Be back soon. I called in. Deakins didn't expect us, wants us to get rest. Clean towels in the bath if you want a shower. DO NOT LEAVE. Again, it's ALL RIGHT. I LOVE YOU. Alex. P.S. There's coffee. P.S.S. DO NOT LEAVE. IT'S ALL RIGHT. I LOVE YOU."

Bobby smiled and lifted the sheet to his face. He breathed deeply and caught lingering traces of Alex's scent. "I'm not sure," he thought to himself, "that it's all right, but I won't leave. And she loves me."

Bobby dragged himself from the bed and headed into the bathroom. Pulling back the shower curtain, he stared at the array of products inside a hanging rack. He had always thought of Alex Eames as low maintenance, but here were several shampoos, an equal number of conditioners, and a mind boggling variety of body cleansers. Fortunately, there was also a simple bar of Ivory soap. Bobby let the hot water pound his body. "I'm too old," he thought, "to be wrestling on the floor." He leaned against the tiles, and tried to work his mind around the idea that Alex Eames loved him.

"She knows me," he thought, "more than anyone does…she know about my mom, my dad…most of my fears…and she still loves me…she deserves to know everything…she already knows more than the people who ran away, and she's still here…but she should know everything…"

Bobby reluctantly turned off the water and grabbed a towel. He heard the sounds of someone in the kitchen. "Well," he thought, "too late now to run even if I wanted to."

Alex heard the sound of running water as she entered her apartment. "Good," she thought, "he paid attention to my note…I guessed I stressed his not leaving enough." The water shut off as she pulled out several croissants from a bag and poured two cups of coffee. A shy Bobby Goren, tucking his shirt inside his pants, soon emerged around the corner. She handed him one of the cups.

"Thanks," he whispered.

"You're welcome…there's croissants." She nodded towards the rolls. "It's a nice day…you want to go out on my terrace?"

He meekly followed her out on to the small space.

"I wouldn't call this a terrace, really…" he said. "Balcony, maybe."

"Hey, a girl can dream, can't she?" Alex was calm, as if she had made a decision and was happy with it. She looked out across to the other buildings. "If you look really carefully, you can see some water over there."

Bobby stared into the depths of his coffee.

"Alex, we have to talk about …us," he said softly.

She turned to look at him. "Ok," she said. "Let's talk."

Bobby took a deep breath.

"It's not just the professional complications…the regulations…the way it might affect the way we work…" He ran his hand through his hair.

"I think we both know the negatives of those," Alex said quietly.

Bobby nodded. "And the positive thing…for both of us…I think…is that we love each other…." Bobby didn't dare look at her.

"Yes…very much, I think," Alex answered. She had thought through all of this and made her decision. She moved towards him.

"Alex, please…stay away…I can't say this if you're touching me…I…I can't think." Bobby's voice was soft and tinged with desperation. "You need to know…there's a lot about me…" He stared again into the coffee.

Alex stood quietly. "I know about your mom…something about your dad. "

"You don't know all of it." Alex could barely hear Bobby's voice.

"You can tell me as much or as little as you want," Alex said quietly. She could hear the distant traffic, the roar of airplanes, the wind whistling, but she was aware only of Bobby. "I won't judge you…you know that…"

Bobby took a long drink of his coffee. "I thought…it would be easier than this…" He stared down at the street.

There was a long pause. Alex tried desperately to think of something to say to Bobby, some way to comfort him. "Bobby…" She reached for a straw. "Last night…you were having a bad dream…you were trying to get your mom to stop doing something…stop putting you somewhere…"

Bobby winced and closed his eyes. "She used to…when she was bad….she'd think I was a monster or something…one of the things in her head…she'd hit me…she didn't mean to…when she was well, she was the gentlest, kindest person in the world…the best mother…but when she was sick…sometimes she'd lock me in a closet…or…or the cellar…" He blinked.

"Oh, Bobby…" Alex moved towards him.

"No…stay away…" He scurried to the corner and raised a large hand.

Aching, she obeyed him. "Didn't…child protection…"

"I lied…I…didn't want her to get in trouble…I didn't want to leave her alone…She never hurt me much…it was the closets and cellars…but my dad…" His voice broke. There was another long pause, and Alex fought every cell in her body to keep from rushing to Bobby and wrapping him in her arms. "He hit me…when he was drinking, or was upset with…one of his schemes…or mom…or just to hit something…" Bobby was in a trance. "With his fists…his belt…anything he could get his hands on…I never told anyone…I was afraid he'd hurt mom…."

"Your brother? Anyone?" Alex whispered.

Bobby gripped the coffee cup tighter. "He hit him…too…And there didn't seem to be anyone else…."

The coffee cup suddenly shattered in Bobby's hands. He stared at the shards of cup, the streams of coffee and blood that poured over his hands.

"Bobby," Alex cried. "Hang on."

She ran to the kitchen and returned carrying a wet cloth and the first aid kit. Bobby felt nothing as she carefully cleaned away the cup's remains, the coffee and the blood.

"Not too bad," Alex said with relief. "Just a couple of cuts…Just let me get these covered…"

She carefully put disinfectant on and bandaged the cuts. Bobby pulled away from her as soon as she finished. He bent down and began picking up pieces of the cup.

"Careful," Alex said. "Don't…"

"Please…leave me alone Alex."

She backed away from him. He took the pieces and threw them into the trash. She followed him into the kitchen. Trembling, he stood for a few moments in her kitchen. Then, with an air that indicated he had made some decision, he turned to her.

"I remember," he said quietly, "that I owe you an expensive dinner…one where we both get to dress up?"

Alex nodded.

"Look, why don't you think…about everything…And me too. And then tonight…I'll come by…and take you to dinner…someplace really nice…and we can talk…" His hand rubbed the back of his neck.

"Bobby…"

He held a large paw in front of her.

"Alex…I can't…no more…I just don't have it in me….I appreciate it…more than you know…I just…" He swallowed hard.

"Ok…but you don't have to…"

Bobby gave her a weak smile.

"Oh, yes I do." He moved to the living room, picked up his jacket and slipped it on. "About seven, ok?"

Alex sensed this was a time for retreat.

"Ok…but you will be here? I'm not putting on my best dress and killer shoes and getting stood up."

He stood for a moment, his hand on her doorknob. "I promise…you will not be stood up." And then he left her.

Alex leaned against her door and tried not to let the tears running down her cheeks turn into sobs.

End Chapter 5


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Alex had experienced seconds turning into minutes, minutes into hours, hours into days. They usually involved hospitals—her husband's death, her mother's illness, the birth of her nephew. None of these seemed as long as her wait for Bobby. Alex filled the few hours with cleaning her apartment and checking and rechecking the black dress she had saved for a special occasion. "Funny," she thought, "that I hope this special occasion will involve getting it off as quickly as possible."

The wait unfortunately also gave Alex time to review issues she thought settled, or, rather, the issue. The debates over what a relationship with Bobby could do to their careers, the problems it would create for both their professional and personal lives, even her fears about the monsters in Bobby's head were largely over in Alex's mind. Bobby's revelation of abuse hadn't surprised her—Alex long suspected it and only wondered what form it had taken and how bad it was. "Pretty awful and pretty bad," Alex thought, and she fought to keep from shedding more tears for Bobby as she dusted. The issue that haunted Alex was far closer to her. "Could I," she asked again and again as she did her dishes, "lose someone again? If I lose him—like I did my husband…or if he does become like his mother…could I lose him?" Her mind wrestled with the question, and Alex finally decided that she could deal with loss. "After all," she thought, "I've dealt with loss all of my life…Joe, even my nephew—wonderful as that was….and I think it will be worth it." In the middle of cleaning her bathtub, Alex had to sit down, and not because of the cleaner's fumes. The memory of the previous evening left her dizzy. As terrified as she had been of Bobby's passion and need, she had been equally intoxicated by his touch and kisses. She knew there was a connection—physical, emotional, mental—between them that held the potential to be the most important, wonderful, and terrible thing in their lives. But the fear—of loss, of her not being able to deal with it—remained buzzing in her brains. "Well," Alex thought, "I'll just have to learn to deal with the buzzing."

Hoping to clear her head, she went out for lunch, but picked at her food. "I wonder if Bobby remembered to eat," she thought as she stabbed at her chicken salad. She called his cell phone and left a rambling message that essentially said, "Bobby. Eat." She returned to her apartment and finished cleaning it. She tried to read, tried to watch TV, even tried to nap. Finally, after watching the Yankees blow another lead, she showered and dressed.

"You were less frightened when you went to the prom," Alex thought as she slipped the dress over her head. She held her breath, but the dress fit like a glove. Her sister-in-law had told her the dress would look great on her after Alex lost the weight of the pregnancy, but Alex feared she hadn't lost quite enough. It was more than modest in the front—a bit form fitting, just enough to reveal that Alex had a figure—but the back plunged to a daring, but not uncomfortable, depth. Alex admired herself in her mirror. She had great back muscles, and she liked how the dress showed them off.

Alex checked the clock. It was 6:30. When Bobby Goren said seven, he meant 7 or a bit before. (Alex had some vague memories of a Goren relationship that had foundered on the woman's insistence on being at least thirty minutes late to everything. "It was a symptom," Bobby said.) Alex carefully applied her makeup and put on the simple and elegant pearl earrings Bobby had given her last Christmas. Beyond an occasional book or CD they didn't give gifts, but Bobby had presented the small box to her with mumblings that maybe she needed something special and he hoped he wasn't overstepping any lines. "Hey," Alex said after she opened the box, "you give me stuff like this, the lines move."

She was checking herself in the mirror for the hundredth time when she heard the knock. "6:50," she thought glancing at the clock, "I haven't been this excited and nervous since Christmas when I was six." Alex glanced briefly through the peephole, and then opened the door.

"Wow."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Time had never been Bobby Goren's friend. There was either too little of it when his mother was well and his father charming and resourceful, or too much of it when she was ill and he manipulative and angry. At some point in his life—Bobby thought it might have been his ninth birthday when he rushed to greet his father and received a vicious backhand for his trouble—he had ceased anticipating any event with anything other than trepidation. So many things could and would go wrong. His father could and would get drunk. His mother could and would get sick. And his brother could and would disappear. Bobby came to simply appreciate the few good times, to try to live in them and not dread the moment they would end.

Bobby had rushed from Alex's apartment. He felt terrible. "She's been wonderful," he thought as he dodged people on the sidewalk, "but I have to get away…I'll make it up to her…" He stumbled slightly and realized he needed food. Bobby turned into a nearby diner. He inhaled the food so quickly that the waitress hovered over him.

"You ok, honey?"

"Yea…thanks…" Bobby gave her one of his most winning smiles, guaranteed to disarm women from two to ninety-two. "Just a while since I ate…"

"Thought it had to be something like that," she said as she refilled his cup. "People usually don't love our food that much."

Bobby spent the day making preparations for the evening. He called in several debts to get reservations at what he hoped would be the perfect restaurant. He visited the barber for a haircut and a shave. Bobby had always taken some pride in his ability to treat his dates well, but he knew this was far more than a date. It would be either the end of the best thing in his life, or the start of something even better. He had cared, of course, about the women in his life; he certainly wanted to please them, and he enjoyed them as individuals and not just as bed partners. But Alex was entirely different. He loved her. Everything mattered so much.

At some point Bobby realized he had made his decision. If Alex loved him, wanted him, he would go to her. She knew, possibly better than he did himself, his weaknesses, his strengths. She made him a better man—more than that, she made him want to be a better man. He had no idea why she loved him, but he would let her.

He returned to his apartment. He checked to make sure that his best black suit was cleaned and pressed. He spent a half hour picking a tie. He spent another half hour trying to decide whether he should bring condoms with him—was it a sign of care for her or a selfish assumption on his part? He discovered Alex's message on his cell phone, panicked for a moment, and then laughed as her long, rambling discourse told him to eat. "She's almost as nervous as I am," Bobby thought as he pocketed the phone, and the discovery made him feel marginally better. He tried to read, to watch TV. Finally, after watching the Yankees discover another way to lose, he showered and dressed. He put on the silver and turquoise cufflinks she had given him for Christmas (they rarely gave each other presents beyond music and books, but she had handed him the tiny box just after she'd opened her earrings. "Great minds must think alike," she laughed.).

Bobby arrived at Alex's apartment building at 6:30. "Too early," he thought. He spent several distracted minutes walking around the block. He didn't see the appreciative and flirtatious looks he received from several women and at least one man. He impulsively bought some flowers. Finally, he entered her building.

His heart pounded as he stood before her door, and Bobby thought that Alex must be able to hear it through the wall. He knocked. After a few moments, the door opened to reveal Alex.

"Wow."

End Chapter 6


	7. Chapter 7

So, there's a lot of fluff in this chapter.

Disclaimer: Standard

Chapter 7

Bobby tried, not entirely successfully, to keep his jaw from dropping. When they became partners, his first reaction to Alex Eames' looks was that she was pretty in a straight forward, quiet way. He frequently sensed that she was not entirely comfortable with her appearance, that she thought it might work against her attempts to project toughness. She had learned to use her looks in the same way he downplayed his intelligence in order to lull criminals into a false sense of confidence, usually with the same devastating results for the bad guys. Several of Bobby's favorite moments in their professional partnership came when Alex shed her shy blonde mask and became tough cop with some obnoxious creep. The creep, seeking solace from a member of the same gender, often turned to Bobby with a look of confusion.

"Probably the same look that's on my face now," Bobby thought.

The Alex Eames that stood confidently before him in her doorway was not pretty. She was drop dead gorgeous. The dress accented her figure without clinging to it, and its high collar managed to cover the injury he had inflicted. It was beautiful, and for a moment Bobby could think of nothing but how to get her out of it.

"Hey," she said softly. "You look pretty 'Wow' yourself."

"Uh…uh…thanks. Uh…here…these are for you." Bobby thrust the bouquet at her. "Oh, smooth, Goren," he thought. "Real smooth."

With a smile, Alex took the flowers. She handled them as if they were delicate treasures.

"No roses?" She looked up at him.

"Uh…no…you told me…once…that you didn't like them…" Bobby rubbed the back of his neck.

Alex gently touched his hand. "It's ok, Bobby…and you're right…I don't like them…these are beautiful…come in and I'll put them in water…" Alex turned back into her apartment.

"They'll stay….Oh my God…"

Alex looked at Bobby over her shoulder. His face bore the expression of a stunned carp. She briefly hid her face in the bouquet and allowed herself a satisfied smile.

"That's exactly the reaction I wanted this dress to provoke, Bobby," she said as she disappeared into the kitchen.

Bobby, having regained some control, followed her a few moments later.

"It is a gorgeous dress, Alex," he said quietly, "but not nearly as beautiful as the woman in it."

It was Alex's turn to be flustered. She fumbled with the flowers.

"Here," Bobby said gently. "Can I use this knife?" He cut the tips off the stems and then put a pinch of sugar in the vase. He filled the vase with water and carefully placed the flowers in it.

Alex had recovered. "So, are you an expert in the art of flower arranging?"

"No. Not one of the courses the Army offered." Bobby gave her a smile. "You'll have to do the arranging yourself."

"What's with the sugar and the cut?"

"Keeps the flowers fresh longer."

Alex took the flowers and placed them on her coffee table. The room was suddenly brighter. Bobby appeared behind her.

"Our reservations are for 7:30," he said. "If we leave now, we won't feel rushed."

Alex picked up her silk shawl.

"Here," Bobby said, "please…let me."

He draped it across her shoulders as if he were wrapping a rare piece of porcelain.

Alex Eames had observed the Bobby Goren charm many times. She watched as he deployed it against friendly and unfriendly witnesses, criminals and innocents, even, occasionally, an object of his romantic interest. Experiencing the Goren charm as its focus was an entirely different matter, a thrilling and overwhelming experience. She had never felt so much attention, such a sense that her responses were so important to another person.

The restaurant was small, elegant, and Italian; the service cheerful and attentive. "May I order for you?" Bobby asked, and several wonderful courses appeared and disappeared in front of Alex. Bobby was clearly familiar with the staff, although they did seem pleasantly surprised at Alex's presence. An older gentleman, fulfilling all of the characteristics of an Italian chef, appeared at their table at one point. Bobby stood up and greeted him in Italian. The gentleman gave Bobby a hug; Bobby introduced Alex. "Bella, bella," he said as he kissed her hand. Bobby beamed.

As wonderful as the food was, the conversation was even more brilliant. Bobby described the contents of each dish, discussed the history of the neighborhood, and hilariously dissected the other patrons. It was not that he was showing off to impress Alex—they both knew each other well enough not to need that—but rather that he wanted to share his knowledge with and to entertain her. Bobby left her briefly. A waiter appeared to fill her water glass.

"It's wonderful…everything…thank you," Alex said.

The waiter smiled. "Thank you." He leaned over and spoke quietly. "Mr. Goren is one of our favorites…but he almost always comes alone…sometimes he comes with a friend…but you're the first…well, excuse the presumption…but you're the first woman he's brought who seems to be very important."

Alex fingered her wine glass. "So," she said, "what's the verdict?"

The waiter grinned at her. "Very favorable—even the women concede you might be good enough for him."

Alex returned the grin.

Dessert was out of the question after the wonderful dinner, although the older gentleman reappeared with a small box. "For later," he said handing it to Bobby. They lingered over coffee in a comfortable silence.

"Would you," Bobby asked, "like to go dancing ...there's a little place about a block away?"

"Yes, very much."

They walked the short distance. It was a beautiful evening, the sort of night for which Richard Rodgers or George Gershwin wrote heartbreaking melodies . The club had a terrace, and Alex and Bobby joined the couples dancing to the sounds of a small band. Bobby carefully lifted the shawl off Alex's shoulders and draped it on her chair. He took her hand and led her on the dance floor. Alex could see and feel the admiring looks they received. Bobby softly placed his hand on her bare back. Alex felt its warmth spread through her.

"I hope you don't mind it there," he whispered.

"Another reason to love this dress," she whispered back.

Alex was not a great dancer, but this night she felt she was Ginger Rogers. Bobby swept her across the floor—she barely noticed her feet. They had danced for some time when a slow ballad filled the air. Bobby wrapped Alex in his arms and rested his head lightly on hers. He had never felt so alive. He could smell the combination of lavender and her own scent on Alex; he could feel the soft silkiness of her skin and the supple moves of her muscles beneath his fingers; he could hear the rhythm of her breath and heartbeat. Bobby looked down at her as Alex raised her eyes to him, and he could see her love for him. The world stopped.

Alex lifted a hand to softly touch Bobby's hair. "Bobby," she said. "Could we go now?"

He nodded.

They sat on opposite sides of the cab, but tightly held hands. They were only a few blocks from her apartment before either spoke.

"I guess…" Bobby said quietly, "we've both made our decision…and it's the same one?"

"Yes," Alex replied.

The cab stopped in front of her building. Bobby helped Alex out and paid the driver. They entered her building and the elevator. Again, they said nothing, but simply held hands. Alex found her key and unlocked her door. They stepped into the living room. She slipped off her shawl and turned to face Bobby.

He stepped to her and kissed her.

End Chapter 7


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: Standard

At last, we have closure. And the "good" stuff. And that means it isn't for the underage. This chapter rated M. You've been warned.

Chapter 8

He stepped to her and kissed her.

It was a shy and tentative kiss, barely a brushing of her lips. Alex wrapped her arms around Bobby's neck and returned his kiss with one of her own. Her kiss was confident and passionate, her tongue opening his mouth and dancing with his. Bobby groaned and Alex felt his arms sweep around her. She broke the kiss, and for a moment his forehead rested on hers. She pushed his jacket off and he released her so that she could slip it off. Alex draped it over her shawl. He had loosened his tie; she pulled it off and unbuttoned the top of his shirt. His hand caught hers and he kissed her palm. She moved so that their heads met again.

"I almost hate," she said huskily, "to have you lose that jacket…you look great tonight…I think even straight guys were looking at you…"

Bobby smiled at her. "Not with you around in that dress…if they were straight, the only reason they were looking at me is because they were jealous." He grew serious. "I…I can't promise you anything, Alex…Are you…are you sure about this?"

Alex held his face in her hands. With just a hint of his usual stubble, his skin was soft. She stared into his eyes. "I've never been so sure of anything in my life," she answered.

He kissed her, this time so passionately and deeply that Alex felt a twinge of the same fear that had gripped her the previous night. "What if," she thought, "I can't give him…respond…"

Bobby broke the kiss. He took her face in his hands, nearly covering it. "Alex," he said savagely and tenderly. "Oh, Alex…this…means so much to me…I hope…I want to please you…make you happy…"

Alex's body responded to Bobby's voice and touch, and her mind caught up to it. She arched against him and took his lower lip in her mouth. He moaned as he pressed against her. Need and want and love swept the fear from her mind.

"C'mon," she said and led him to the bedroom.

She finished unbuttoning his shirt. Bobby kissed her again as she pulled it off of him. He pulled his t-shirt over his head, and Alex stepped back. He was suddenly bashful.

"Too fat, uh?" he said.

"No," she said laughing. "Healthy…beautiful."

She leaned against his chest and his arms came around her. He was big and strong and warm, and Alex thought that getting lost in him forever wasn't a bad idea. She reached down to loosen his belt, and he kissed her as he unzipped his pants. He pulled her down with him as he sat on the bed and kicked his pants and shoes and socks away.

"No fair," he murmured. "You have on more clothes than me."

She stepped from his grasp and reached behind her to release the dress at the collar. She caught the material just above her breast, held it for a moment, and then let it drop. Alex stepped out of the dress and her shoes and stood, clad only in her panties and stockings, before Bobby. He gasped.

It was her turn to be shy. "Tell I had a baby, uh?" she said.

Bobby dropped from the bed to his knees in front of her. "No," he whispered reverently. "I can tell you're a beautiful woman."

He wrapped his arms around her waste and planted kisses between and on her breasts. She was soft and warm and tasted sweet. Alex moaned and pulled his head to her. Her hands roamed through his soft, newly shorn hair. Bobby pulled her panties and stocking off and turned her to the bed. Alex pulled back the covers and fell back on the sheets. Bobby had reached for his pants and pulled out a small package. He stood up and stared at Alex.

She was small and beautiful and perfect, much more beautiful than any dream. As lovely and promising as her body was, Bobby came back to her eyes, eyes full of love and want and need for him.

"You don't need that," Alex said nodding towards the condom. "I've got it covered."

Bobby fumbled and dropped the small package. He stood sheepishly as Alex grinned.

"Apparently a good thing, too, since you seem to have some trouble handling it," she said. Her mood changed. "Please," she said with want in her voice, "I want to see you…"

Bobby slipped out of his boxers. Alex gasped. He was big and wonderful, and his eyes were dark with desire and love. She reached up her arms to him.

"Please, Bobby…C'mere…"

He stretched out over her and buried his head in her neck. He kissed and sucked and licked Alex's neck and chest, working his way down to her breasts. One of his hands cupped one breast and stroked it, while he kissed the other. His finger touched and caressed one nipple while he sucked and nipped at the other. Every touch sent fire from Bobby to Alex and back to him. She let her fingers weave in his hair and moaned. Suddenly, she tugged on his head and guided his mouth to hers. She kissed him and gently pressed him on his back. Alex spread kisses across his face, around his neck, and down his chest. She paused to bathe his nipples with her tongue. Bobby writhed and moaned. He rose to take her breasts in his hands and then to kiss her.

"I love you, Alex," he murmured in a deep husky voice. "Love you so much. You are so beautiful…so wonderful…your skin…so soft…taste so sweet…nothing so wonderful…Don't let me hurt you…never want to hurt…want to give you…joy…love…"

Alex fell back on the sheets. She couldn't think, could feel nothing but Bobby's hands, mouth, skin. Her body ached for more contact, to feel him inside her. She moaned into Bobby's mouth as he gently stroked the curls between her legs.

"Bobby…please…oh…oh…"

He slipped one, then another long finger in her. She writhed beneath him as he stroked her.

"Bob…Bobby…please…please…come inside me…please….Bobby."

Bobby withdrew his hand and paused. In the midst of his passion, a thought was weaving in and out of his fevered brain. "Maybe," he thought as he stared at Alex's glistening body, "maybe this is why I'm here…to love… to be loved by…Alex…"

"Bobby," Alex cried, "please…look at me…love me…"

Bobby stared in her eyes and slipped into her. Alex cried out and then clutched Bobby.

"Oh," she thought, "He's so big…oh…oh…so wonderful…oh yes…yes…" The coil inside her grew tighter and tighter. She disappeared into Bobby's eyes as body exploded in pleasure.

"Alex," Bobby cried out. "She's so small and tight…did she cry…oh…I want to make her…so…help me…love her…" His body tensed, and Bobby was lost in Alex's eyes as his body released.

Alex lay panting. Bobby's head lay just below her breast. One of his arms was flung over her body. She touched his soft curls. He started and trembled.

"Bobby," she breathed his name.

The trembling grew into shaking, and Alex realized Bobby was crying.

"Bobby," she said more urgently and turned his face towards her. Tears streamed down his face. She wrapped her arms around him.

"I'm …sorry," he said after a few moments. He gently slipped out of her arms and rubbed his eyes. "It meant…meant so much to me Alex…I just…"

He looked at her. Alex trembled. No one had ever looked at her with so much gratitude, joy, and love.

"Me, too," she said softly and reached to touch Bobby's face.

He pressed her hand against his cheek. "It," he said, "it's never been so good..."

Alex laughed. "It's going to sound silly, but it's never been like that for me."

"Maybe," Bobby said softly, "because it was the first time with someone I loved."

It was Alex's turn to weep. Bobby held her.

"Are you ok?" he whispered. "I didn't hurt you…"

"No," she answered wiping her eyes. "It just…meant a lot." She studied him for a moment. "Do something for me, Bobby?"

"Anything."

"Spoon me?"

He smiled.

Alex turned her back to him. Bobby curled his arms around her, and Alex tangled her hands with his. They both drifted towards sleep.

"Alex?"

"Yea…"

"Thank you."

"You're more than welcome. And thank you."

"Alex?"

"Yea…"

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

END.


End file.
